The Real Reason For Climate Change

I have a completely unfounded and entirely unscientific accusation to make. I think Climate Change is caused by Bluetooth. Cell towers. Radio. Satellites. WIFI. 

Think about it for a second... We're generating TONS more frequencies than our planet has ever seen before. I think we are bombarding our planet with increased radiation that is causing particles to vibrate differently and interact more strongly with one another. This ultimately causes changes in weather patterns, heat generation, increases in illnesses and cancer, erratic animal behavior and increased agitation/anxiety of the human species. A plethora of consequences.

There you have it. You heard it here first. My scientific contribution that includes absolutely no science at all. 

Have a great day. Call me.

(... and this is what happens when random INTJ pondering escapes into the world without filtering. Snap judgement based on little to no information and a weird hunch? Hell yes.)

Thinking Without Words

Have you ever known something, and yet not really understood what it is you know? I realize this sounds paradoxical, but I had a weird moment of "Ooohhh, I get it" the other day. A few minutes of Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman was on the television the other night, and they were talking about the concept of consciousness in colonies of ants and other creatures, like the octopus. He made a statement about humans not knowing what it's like to think without words and I was immediately insulted. "I do that all the time..." was my immediate and confused response to my husband. Dear husband then proceeded to raise his eyebrows at me like I was nuts... and he's an intuitor.

Every canned explanation of INTJ's, and even of intuition, talks about thinking in abstract terms that are "difficult to put into words" and knowing things without being sure how you know them. A work friend dismisses intuition as complete B.S. and not a legitimate way of knowing anything. They see it as simply arriving at conclusions without the effort of actually thinking about it, and so it isn't a valid conclusion because it lacks the logical, conscious thoughts that would support it. In a very scientific manner of speaking, I agree with them, however I cannot dismiss or ignore that part of me because I've seen it in action too many times.

Here's a weird thing. I've been consciously aware of the fact that I'm thinking about a problem before and yet knowing that my "thoughts" aren't tied to words or even images. In those moments I even surprise myself with the conclusions I arrive at because I rarely know what will come out of my mouth until I start talking after one of these "comatose" moments. It tends to happen most often when I'm in a group of people who are trying to solve a problem. I retreat into my own head, stare blankly at the table and feel the problem. Ugh, I know how that sounds, but it's the only way to describe it. It is very quiet in my head. In that moment it is as if my brain is moving puzzle pieces around on a slate, trying to find the piece that doesn't fit. I sense that my eyes are darting back and forth in tiny twitches as if scanning something that isn't there. There comes a moment in the synthesizing that my mouth starts moving, and sometimes it's a question that comes out, and other times it's a statement of observation. Very rarely is it an actual solution... my brain doesn't seem to want that. What it wants is to understand consciously whatever in the hell just happened with the blank-slate puzzle pieces. Usually it's a more solution oriented person in the group that picks up my observations or the answer to my question and presents a possible solution to the problem. My brain then tries to synthesize their solution against what it knows to see if there is any flaw... which results in more questions or statements.

Sometimes I offer a solution that is so far out of the path we were on that people look at me like I'm daft... but solutions only arrive after complete understanding. It can take me a while to reach that point and feel satisfied that I'm not missing something. 

With very complex problems, I have been known to stare blankly at a wall or desk for great lengths of time... thinking without words. It's like a deck of cards being shuffled randomly through a scanner that attempts to make connections. If there were words to the shuffling, maybe it would sound something like: Red. Black. Number. Letter. Picture. Queen. Hat. Club. Hit. Pain. Blood. Lust, Red. Black. White. Clear. Plastic. Ocean. Openness. Water. Boat. Queen. Columbus. Shoreline. Trees. Hills. Calm. Green. Red. Christmas. Bells. Gold. Sing. Words. Letters. Numbers. Black. Red. It is with this randomness and repetitive linking of seemingly unrelated things that is the foundation of intuition, except that it is much more subconscious, and they aren't linear. It's a spider web of ideas, concepts and things all tied together with a billion little knots. How do you explain that without sounding like a lunatic? 

Most of the time I don't think I could give anyone an accurate representation of how I reached a conclusion without asking questions. That's where it all seems to be based. I don't even see the whole picture in my head when I start explaining, but I know the question it starts with, and I know the end conclusion, and I can build the bridge for them by following my own questions, out loud, one at a time. Sometimes I start to explain and then abruptly stop with a comment like "No, never mind, that won't work." because the bridge can't be built in words, or perhaps when it was put into words it triggered some other path of analysis that brought the other issues with it to light for me. 

Apparently this type of "thinking" isn't normal? Even knowing what the descriptions say about the INTJ mentality, I didn't get it. I always thought "Of course my ideas are abstract, all thoughts are just fleeting moments of consciousness that have to be built out for the world to process." The funny thing is... I thought that the act of having to put an idea INTO words after having the idea was something everyone did. It never occurred to me that there are people who literally THINK, in words, every single part of their existence. That sounds exhausting. What a cacophony of noise that would be inside the mind! How would a person ever get any rest? That seems like the utmost level of stress to have to live like that. I prefer the calm, placid waters of my consciousness, even knowing that underneath the surface there is a whirlpool of activity. I realized a long time ago that I have many, many thoughts that never fully reach consciousness.  (See this blog post) What I didn't realize is that what I call my "subconscious" may not actually be the same thing that others consider to be "subconscious". Maybe that is actually my conscious awareness, but it doesn't operate in the same way as it does for others. I never considered anything that wasn't actual words to be conscious thought, and yet it drives me to make real, vocalized conclusions about the world. Am I wrong? 

I don't know that any of us can answer that question. There has been debate through much of human history about what it means to be self-aware, conscious and "human". I do know how surprised I was to hear Morgan Freeman tell me that humans don't think without words. What about people who are deaf or who never learned words in the way most people do? Whoever wrote that script is obviously not thinking in the manner that I think, or even considering other ways of looking at the world. Stupid Morgan Freeman with his uber calm and explanatory voice can suck an egg and shall forever bear the brunt of my annoyance with the statement, since I can't find the person who actually wrote it. Whatever movie I see him in from now on will be tainted with his haughty confidence in spewing untruths. Poor guy. I used to like his acting. Now he's doomed. I'll never believe another explanation he provides and hope he is eaten by a movie set shark like Samuel L Jackson in Deep Blue Sea as he gives his Kumbaya speech. 

Morgan Freeman: "Misty, you can't think or know something without words, it just isn't possible..." 
Me: "You should watch out behind you... I can't explain how I know that, but you should."
Queue: Eaten By Shark

The Math Monster

"I don't have strong math skills."

"I am studying physics."

Those two sentences don't usually end up together, and yet here we are. 

If you have read other posts here, you've heard about the quandary I have had with math for nearly my entire life. The only things I remember of early math (say in Kindergarten or First Grade) were the fun math carts that came around once a week that had math games on them. There was some other type of class where we did "physical" problem solving... puzzles with rubber bands, geometric shapes, pegs and other items. Over the next few years I remember liking those, so perhaps I did well. I don't actually remember learning any math outside of those days... but I'm sure we must have. In other words, if I couldn't tie it to something tangible, I tuned out. It also didn't help that my parents were in the midst of an ugly divorce by the time I was 7, which made it very difficult to focus on school for many years.

Fourth grade was where the rubber met the road, and I started to derail in a big way. It was the first year where we had any real homework, and I doubt I ever even took a math book or worksheet home with me. Instead, I would usually remember about 15 minutes before math class that there was homework to do and start frantically trying to answer questions or copy work from a classmate who was willing to help me out. Sometimes I got it done, and many times I didn't. Weak multiplication skills made calculations difficult in a day and age when calculators didn't exist for most students.  I spent most of that year in the principal’s office for not having my homework complete, or in the nurses office avoiding class because I was literally sick to my stomach with nerves about not having my homework completed. Mrs. Lang was a yeller, and a humiliator. Instead of reaching out to find out what was going on, she insisted on making my life hell. I think there may actually be some emotional scarring left from her abuse to this day. What a bitch.

I don't even remember fifth grade math, or the math teacher, however I think it was more of the same. I do, however, remember sixth grade. I remember Mr. Smith standing at the front of the class and telling us that if we didn't do our homework there would be no yelling and punishment... we simply wouldn't get a checkmark next to that assignment in the grade book. I wondered at this bizarre new format, but was hugely relieved. Miraculously, I started to like math and actually did most of my homework. I still remember some of the things I learned in his class. By removing the stress of being yelled at constantly, he opened up a new door for me and I enjoyed learning math, maybe for the first time ever. Unfortunately he was the exception because most of the rest of my math days went like the early days. My early lack of foundational knowledge spread like a disease and each subsequent year was harder than the last.

There was one area that stood out from the rest like a shining beacon, an area that I jumped wholeheartedly into and aced every single problem and assignment - Logic. Logic problems were amazing.  Think "If P then Q, if Negate P then Negate Q..." Holy Saints, I was so happy to get up to the board and run through the proofs that my math teacher was astonished. So was I, to be honest.

I struggled through algebra, geometry and trig so I could graduate from high school, typically bringing in a C at best. Saying that I squeaked by is an understatement. To me, math seemed like a convoluted system of "learn the steps", but each new area brought new steps and I was never able to relate one section to another. My only salvation was recognizing the patterns in solving different types of problems and learning the "steps" required to get to the end of it. I had to meticulously check my work, write slowly in pencil and not perform any steps simultaneously or the outcome was usually disastrous.

In my first year of college I thought I was going to be a teacher, and so I was required to take a math course on how to teach math to grade school children. Talk about a lightbulb! Click, Click, Click... things started falling into place and I learned many of the things that I was SUPPOSED to have learned in K-4. It was amazing. After that I didn't take a math class for a long time so when I had to take Algebra again I failed it the first time around. Knowing the basics doesn't prepare you for college Algebra, and I was rusty on knowing "the steps". Finally, I made it through the required college math and had all the time in the world to focus on every subject except math. History, Spanish, French, English, Literature, Philosophy, blah, blah, blah. Every class I took from there out was a B.S. class (and by that I mean bullshit, not Bachelor of Science). In these classes I honed my ability to change the viewpoint to change the answer and became a Master Bullshitter. Fitting, since that seemed to be my major. I learned that if you could support your argument with 'facts' from things you were reading, almost any answer was acceptable. I had been advised that since I wanted to be a Spanish teacher in particular, it would be better to major in Foreign Language and get the teaching certification at the end, so that was my path.

Fear of math kept me from branching into I.T. for a very long time, but finally I made the switch. I disliked the path I was on but probably would have seen it through to the end if I hadn't moved, however after my move the only option for me seemed to be online courses, and Foreign Languages wasn't a major. There was a lot less math involved than I had feared, and much more logic so I was right at home in the I.T. world, which led me to my career.

Someday I'll write a post about what happened with Kaplan University (the fraudulent b... *muttering curse words*) but for now, suffice it to say that I was one semester away from graduation when things went awry and I had to stop attending school.

That was about 10 years ago.

Over the last 10 years, I started to think differently about math, and came to regret how it had all turned out. For a long time I had joked about my hate-hate relationship with math, but eventually I began to feel foolish about it. Why should I hate math? What was really so hard about it other than the fact that I didn't have the proper foundation? If I was as smart as I liked to think I was, why should math be the demon in my closet? The more my mentality changed about math, the more connections I made. I started piecing things together that suddenly just seemed to make sense and my fear slowly turned to interest. Perhaps I could fix this.

When I made the decision to go back to school, to fight Kaplan for it with a lawyer if need be, I was nervous. What would I study? Finish my I.T. degree? Somehow I couldn't imagine doing I.T. work all day and then doing it again every night.  Ugh. Should I finish my Foreign Language degree? Maybe, but I really had no interest in it anymore. I don't want to be a teacher. Modern testing and political policies have made teaching a nightmare. What then? Was there anything that I really wanted to study that actually interested me? As I scanned the list of majors, one kept jumping out at me: Physics. Just the sound of that word makes my pulse race just a little faster. People like Brian Greene had sparked my curiosity over the years and I knew I was getting "the dumbed down version"... so what was really behind all those concepts? WHY did we come to these conclusions? What led us there? What might be discovered next? What if I could help...? These questions nagged at me for weeks while I considered the ramifications of essentially starting my degree all over again. I had a lot of credits, but only one class at Kaplan counted after it was all transferred. *More curse words* Thanks to Kaplan I also still had student loan debt. I knew that studying Physics could take me a LONG time to complete, and probably a lot of money out of pocket. In the end I decided that was where my heart was at and when I selected Physics from the list of majors, the swell in my heart told me it was the right decision. Yes, it would take a lot of work to brush up on my math skills. I was willing to do that. Yes, it would probably take me forever, but I was OK with that too. I wanted to UNDERSTAND in a burning way I've never had before.

Before my first semester back began, I found a series of videos on Youtube under the name "YayMath!" The more videos I watched, the more I wished I had had a math teacher like this. His teaching style removed the fear and actually made me enjoy reviewing middle and high school math topics. It was exactly what I needed to get over the fear and start to make up for lost time. I started trying to think about Math as just another language that I needed to learn, like Spanish, French, or SQL and it helped to ease the transition from past positive learning to math's positive outlook. Math is the Universal Language, and I intend to use it to understand the Universe itself.

All I can say now after my first couple of semesters back in college is that Calculus should have been taught in middle school. This one class brought everything else together in a way I never would have expected, and I loved it. I LOVED it! How weird is that? I feel cheated, like I should have known this way of "mathing" existed years and years ago. I'm sure my new openness to learning has something to do with my success, but I'm not sure it explains the Click, Click, Click that occurred in almost every Calculus class I attended. Suddenly Trig made sense, along with a million other things. Algebra had a purpose. Sometimes Algebra could be avoided completely. (Oh, Happy Day?).

To all of the students out there who struggle with Math, I might offer this advice: Negative thinking begets negative results, especially when it comes to learning. Try changing your attitude about Math. I know that I am responsible in a big way for the trouble I had in Math because I convinced myself at a young age that I didn't like math, and that I wasn't good at it. Granted, some rotten teachers might have played a part in that, but I should have figured it out as I got a little older. If you are one of those kids who just doesn't "get" math, hang in there. If you are in middle school or high school, I would actually recommend checking out the YayMath! videos on Youtube. Don't give up. You can tame the Math Monster and use it to your advantage.

Rawr!

With Kanban, yes you Kahn... er, Can

I love Kanban.  There is something almost tranquil about visibly, physically moving something through a process from beginning to end.  I love it even more as I use it to put my home back together.

Earlier this year, near the end of April, we had a water pipe break under the bathroom sink upstairs.  Apparently it broke early in the day, because when the kids arrived home from school they raced around to turn off the water, start sopping things up and called to tell us that it was raining in the kitchen. In my mind, even though the kids described it, I was seeing maybe a little bit of staining on the ceiling that we would have to fix, perhaps some carpet that would have to be dried out with a fan.  I was not prepared for what I saw when I arrived home.

There were only two bedrooms that weren’t massively damaged by the ordeal in the entire house.  The insurance company paid a mitigation team to come in and help dry out the house, which involved cutting out flooring, cutting holes in ceilings, tearing out a whole wall of kitchen cabinets and the entire wall behind my kitchen sink.  Our home was in shambles, from the upstairs bathroom, bonus room, stairway, closets, master bedroom, living room and kitchen.  We were put up in a hotel for a month and zero progress was made because of a ridiculous estimate from an adjuster that made every contractor laugh and then run in the other direction.  We finally decided we would have to do the work ourselves, which may take us many months to complete since we both work full time and the insurance paid precious little for repairs.

Initiate Project Management…

From the moment we decided we had to do the work ourselves, I set out to manage it like a project.  There was surely a scope, budget, resources to allocate… and best of all:  a flexible timeline.  The question was how, exactly.  Microsoft Project is too expensive to own as an individual so I opened up my trusty Excel sheets and started outlining tasks.  For each task I listed sub-tasks as needed and drilled down to materials.  I looked up prices on Lowes.com for each item on my list and viola, a budget appeared for the rooms.  I started to understand why the contractors had run away so hastily.

At that point, I began to wonder if my excel sheet was really practical for actually managing the task flow as we worked.  It was better organized by room… but we may not actually work that way.  Wouldn’t we want to paint all the walls before we put in the new flooring?  I needed flexibility… and Kanban came to the rescue. 

My initial Kanban board was just a piece of paper with teeny, tiny sticky notes on them.  My columns were something like “Waiting”, “Researching”, “Purchasing”, “Ready to Do” and “In Progress”.   Each area has its own color sticky note, so I could easily see every task for a particular room.  Some rooms have not been started at all, and the whole room is on one sticky note in the “Waiting” column… my “project horizon” that will later be segregated into parts.

I have to say that as I move those little sticky notes around and finally onto the BACK of the paper to my “Completed” pile, I actually feel that we were making progress.  It’s motivating.  Sing it with me: Buy Drywall & Mud, Hang Plastic, Hang Drywall, Tape and Mud, Sand, Scrape The Popcorn Ceiling Off, Swear To Never Do Popcorn Ceilings Again, Fix The Ceiling, Hang The Lights, Prime The Ceiling, Prime The Wall, Replace The Cupboards, Reinstall The Countertop, Reinstall The Sink, Install The Dishwasher… “HEY! THERE’S RUNNING WATER IN THE KITCHEN!! OMGTYLICBTTSL!”

We still have some more priming to do in the kitchen, but we reaallly needed water back out there so we opted to prime just the wall where it resided before doing the rest of the room. 

I have no idea how long this is going to take us because there seems to be so little time to make progress… but my little Kanban board is always there, gently reminding me that there are at least 6 other rooms to do once the kitchen is finished.  God help us.

Use Your Strengths

One of the most view-shifting things I encountered at TGMI last year is still rattling around in my brain:  “Use Your Strengths”. 

We watched a series of videos titled Trombone Player Wanted by Marcus Buckingham.  The videos reveal a story of a young boy who plays the trombone in a school band, but desperately wants to be a drummer instead.  You feel from the reactions of the teacher that he is stuck with this instrument because the band needs him on trombone.  Eventually, the boy decides to help find a NEW trombone player for the band so that he can move to the drums. 

If you have read any of my other posts you know that I was actually an unwilling trombone player in school as well, so perhaps the story resonated a bit stronger with me... but there was also something else that turned my prior notions on their head. 

I began studying MBTI in my early twenties.  When I first discovered my “INTJ-ness” it was like a bolt of lightning had struck.  Until then, I had always felt as if there was something wrong with me.  I wasn’t normal.  Unfortunately that early-life mentality caused me to see MBTI as a way for me to fix my flaws, rather than to use my natural strengths.  I spent the next 15 years trying to improve my perceived weaknesses. 

·        Hard to make small talk? – Keep putting yourself into social situations with strangers

·        Come across as arrogant? – Use smaller words, don’t strike up conversations about ‘nerd’ topics

·        Seen as intense/intimidating? – Use inclusive words, ask the opinions of others and let them know they’re heard

·        Not “feminine” enough? – Paint your nails, use makeup… try to wear matching clothes

·        Accidentally hurt others feelings? – Don’t say anything unless you’re sure it won’t be offensive

·        Seen as cold or uncaring? – Don’t give others advice, no matter how much you want to, just give support

These and a million other things have been thought and done over the years in an attempt to fix the things that were “wrong” with me.  To some degree I learned to conform to expectations… but I always felt as if I were on the verge of screwing it up; that with one wrong word or gesture I would reveal my true self and the charade would crumble.  Those around me would yell out in triumph “I KNEW you weren’t one of us!”  I was an alien trying to blend in with my surroundings in order to avoid detection.   The more time that passed, the better I got at it until some of it started to feel natural.  Still, I couldn’t ignore the sense of discontent and self-sacrifice that was feeling more and more like resentment.  Why couldn’t I just be ME and others would appreciate it?

Trombone Player Wanted turned this image of myself and my world absolutely upside down.  In the videos, Marcus Buckingham makes a strong case for building up our strengths instead of trying to improve upon our weaknesses, which is contrary to everything we’re told.  His opinion is that we will grow in leaps and bounds when we focus our energy and attention on our strengths and the things that naturally give us that high of excitement and accomplishment, and that if we put the same amount of energy into our weaknesses, we will only improve marginally.  At one point he quips that we could go from being absolutely terrible at something, to being just really bad if we focus on our weaknesses. 

It was at that point that I started looking back at all of the self-improvement I’d undertaken.  How much had I really gained in those areas where I perceived weaknesses?  Was I a stellar conversationalist now?  Was I never seen as arrogant, intense, intimidating, cold or nerdy?  I realized that for all my effort, all of those things were probably still there to some extent, no matter how hard I tried to eradicate them.  Since then, I’ve been on a quest to carefully find and articulate my areas of strength.  Here is what I have found.

My strengths:

·        I examine complex scenarios, systems, ideas or problems and identify all of the various parts.  I can quickly organize those parts into categories as the need arises, such as Do Now vs Do Later, Idea vs Task, Energy Cost vs Financial Cost, Applicable vs Non-Applicable.  These categories arise naturally, and I can articulate and define them very quickly when needed by others.

·        I can see risks, obstacles and roadblocks before they occur.  This was something I struggled with in my early career because I thought that EVERYONE could see these things… that they were obvious.  I have found over the years that this is not the case.  My ability to know how things will turn out allows me to change direction to a more successful path without missing a beat.

·        I see the plan.  I have the plan.  I am the plan.  Planning is a hallmark INTJ trait; one that I have an abundance of skill with… and I almost can’t help myself.  From the moment I am presented with an idea, my brain is “planning” it out: Steps, Order, Priority, Difficulty, Risks, Needs, Resources, Possible Outcomes… I swear it’s almost an illness.

·        I am a talented communicator.  My ability to read and write effectively allows me to document accurately, express concerns concisely and bring the often intangible thought processes I experience to light for others to see and understand.

·        I see the big picture.  This one brings a wry smile to my face because everyone likes to say that they see the big picture.  It’s one of those resume-like phrases that make me gag.  However, I think I could prove my claim on this one.  My mind clearly see’s the gaps in information that I’m working with in a way that would astound people.  I know with absolute certainty when I don’t have enough information about something to make a decision because unanswered questions exist.  Until I can paint the entire picture in my mind and see the whole process, it isn’t complete.  If something is in conflict with another piece of information, then something is wrong and I won’t rest until I find it.

·        I organize like nobody’s business.  I can organize anything, and it will be much better than it was when I started.  Period.

·        I am a great mediator.  This probably comes from traits learned in childhood, but I have a natural talent for finding ways to help others resolve disagreement.  I can objectively see all sides of an argument and work toward a common goal.  My objectivity and communication skills provide others with a platform on which to stand… a neutral ground from which to work.

·        I solve problems.  This may seem vague, but it is meant as such.  My brain LOVES to solve problems.  People problems.  Resource problems.  Funding problems.  Software problems.  Even the stupidest things get me excited.  When something breaks around the house, I’m like a modern day Macgyver.  I keep a lot of weird objects because I can see a use for them “someday”.  (My organizational skills kick in from there and I get to spend time placing my little objects into their proper containers.  It’s a win-win.)

·        My moral compass doesn’t fluctuate.  Even with all of the ambiguity in the world, I have a very strong sense of what I think is right and what is wrong.  I know that the right thing isn’t usually the easy thing, and I strongly believe that there is a difference between KNOWING what is right, and DOING what is right.  If you can’t do the right thing, even when it’s extremely hard, then it doesn’t matter if you know the difference.  Your actions will always speak louder than your words.  I don’t admire hypocrites. 

It is important to note that in the videos, a strength isn't something you're necessarily good at, but something that you instinctively lose yourself in because you're so excited about it and engaged with it.  Everything in this list, except the last one, fits that category for me as they are all things I become passionately engaged in.  I may be good at them (I feel that I am) but there is a lot of room for growth in these areas as I focus my attention on them.  The last one is a strength in the more conventional manner.

These are the ones I have identified thus far, and it feels a lot nicer to focus on the things that I am naturally inclined to do anyway than to worry about parts of my personality that I may never be able to change.  I am certain that the progress I’ve made on “building up my weaknesses” won’t ever be lost… but I’d really like to see what happens in the future as I turn my focus more toward being the rock star I know I was meant to be.  (Was that too arrogant?)

Below is a link to the first video in the series (the second one is also available, but after that you need to buy the videos to watch them all.  I bought them a few months after I saw them because they were so inspiring for me.)

Youtube Video: Trombone Player Wanted - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfQdiVpcnGI

If you care to purchase the DVD's, they can be found on Amazon. I highly suggest watching them.

Getting To Know An INTJ

I have come to realize, over the past few years, that it must be incredibly hard to get to know me.  When I am at work, I am focused on work.  It hardly ever occurs to me that I should share something about my personal life with others. When I do, I find that it's things about OTHER aspects of my life... the kids, my husband, the house, the car, the dog... whatever.  It doesn't usually have anything to actually do with ME at all.  

I'm not sure if this stems from the belief that others just won't be interested, or if perhaps I think they might judge me in some way... but nonetheless it is true. 

This became very obvious when I went to the TGMI training class last year.  We were tasked with creating something (poster or other doo-dad) to share with the group about who you are.  The assignment gave me nightmares.  How the hell was I going to stand up in front of a room of 30+ strangers and provide a nice, neat little summary of "Who I Am"?  UGH!!!...  UGH, UGH, UGH!!!!

I spent countless hours in worried panic, trying to figure out what to do.  Finally, I decided my very reluctance was my salvation.  THAT was who I was... Private. 

It occurred to me as I was thinking about the project that I have worked with people for YEARS and even have long-time friends that don't know some of the most basic things about what I'm interested in or what I've done in my life.  For some reason, I just don't talk about it.  Those things seem like something I do with my time when I'm not spending it with people.  So very compartmentalized...

This was my final project about me:

Inside of the jar there is sand, and a whole bunch of little objects that you can't find unless you really dig.  It takes a lot of patience and some luck to actually see all of the things in the jar... and there were a LOT of them.  I'm still not sure I've seen them all since the day they went into it.  This little jar is who I am in a sense. On the outside it probably seems pretty boring... like "What's the point?" but once you start turning it around and messing with it, all kinds of little peculiarities become visible.  That is me in a nutshell.  It literally probably takes a concerted effort for others to pull those things out of me.  My husband did it, somehow.  I did take a picture of what is inside of it before I dumped it all together, but what would be the fun in posting that? After all, you're just The Internet... why should you get a freebie?  

I swear, I don't mean to be obnoxious or to make it hard on people... it isn't something I do intentionally or even consciously.  As I grow older though, I feel more and more like I have to find a way to let people into that part of my world, and it feels almost impossible.  I blame my lack of practice at it, because somehow it gets weird... like being in the middle of a conversation about soup and suddenly blurting out "I like turtles."  ("I love lamp"?)

I think I'll continue to add things to it over the years.  It might be fun to see how it grows over time, like me.  Is it odd that I feel a certain fondness for this little jar of sand?  It's like projecting myself into something tangible and more "permanent" in this world than I am.  (I use the word permanent loosely... science wins)

The Musical INTJ

If Intuition loosely equates to "looking for meaning in things and making associations", then music is a perfect haven for the intuitive being.  I have always loved music, for as long as I can remember.  

One of my earliest memories was a record (yes, a record) that had kids songs on it, including "10 little Indians".  It would sing the song first in English, and then repeat the whole thing in Spanish.  Even then I was practicing for my trip to Spain...

In Kindergarten I won a 'clean ears award' (Yes, it's stupid) from music class that had a Q-tip with a golden ribbon on it because I could mimic the notes the teacher was singing on a wooden xylophone in longer and longer sequences until I out performed everyone else in the class.  I'd have never told her that it was also because I could READ enough already to know the notes that were written on it.  Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do were pretty easy to figure out.

In first or second grade our music teacher, Mrs. McClaren, showed us a video of students singing in a large choir in Spanish.  The song was called Des Colores, which I became obsessed with.  I asked her if I could take a copy of the words home with me, and I sang the song to myself a hundred times until I could never forget it, and still hear the refrain in my head to this day.  I didn't understand most of the words... but it wasn't exactly the words that mattered. There was something pleasing about making music itself, about singing along with others who were singing that spoke to me.  

There was always music to listen to in the car and I helped my Mom shuffle 8-Tracks around and into the player that ate the damn things more often than it played them... but when it worked, we had a lot of fun.  I remember trying soooo hard to hold onto that last note in "I Can't Fight This Feeling" and was rather proud of myself when I could finally do it.  My love of country and rock music was born as I went back and forth between Willie Nelson and Credence Clearwater Revival each time I rode with Mom or Dad.  

As I got older, I wanted to play instruments and a guitar was at the top of my list.  I tried to self-teach myself from the time I was 12.  Apparently once I had figured out the chords that appeared most frequently in songs I knew, I was content, because that is where I stopped learning guitar and began singing along with it for a VERY long time.  It wasn't until a friend introduced me to Stevie Ray Vaughan that my brain went "What the heck was that!?"  It was then that I had to buy my first electric guitar and I have hardly touched an acoustic since.

I'll brush past my few years in band as a trombone player because they were some of the most horrid, pleasing moments I had as a child.  Forced to play an instrument that I didn't like, I warred with myself over the fact that I was MAKING music... but it always sounded suspiciously like a whoopie cushion no matter how 'good' I got.  I did earn a little pendant award at a county music festival, but it may have been the dawning age of participation awards... 

I played keyboard and piano a little bit in highschool, again mostly self-teaching (with a few lessons thrown in) and I didn't get very far before graduation.

I played with my sisters trumpets and flutes until I could play the scale.  I played with harmonica's and clarinets and drums and every other thing I could get my hands on, but nothing was quite as much fun as the piano.  

What I really wanted was to sing.  Singing borders on crossing over to another plane of existence for me, and is still one of the best stress relieving things I can do for myself. I was a dedicated choir member from middle school through graduation and loved absolutely every minute.  

It can't be a coincidence that I lived in Music City, (Llyria) Spain and now I live in Music City, TN.   

If somehow you are still reading after that long and boring walk down memory lane, let me move on to the important part.  

Music holds memories.  

Did you catch that?  Every one of those things that I wrote about have very vivid mental images in my mind, along with a million other musical memories. Music seems to be the way that I count the passing of time in my life, and how I preserve the times that are important to me.  Every single song on my iPod has memories and people tied to them.  I literally had to purge my old music once many years ago because I realized that a lot of the songs I was listening to and enjoyed were tied to painful memories... and every time I heard the song, the pain would come up and hit me as if no time had passed at all.  Even "I Can't Fight This Feeling", even though it started out innocent enough when I was little, carries the sadness of my baby brothers funeral with it.  I would dare say that a person could get to know me faster than anyone ever thought possible by skimming through my music list and asking "What is this one tied to?" (if I could withstand the barrage).  Music is where my squishy INTJ emotions hide.  I hoard these little treasures like others hoard pictures, and I pull them out to examine them and relive them when the mood strikes me.  

I don't know if this is the case with all INTJ's, I'd imagine we each have our own way of 'storing' emotions, but I would also bet that it's something Intuition related, perhaps artistic after a fashion.  I'd be curious to know if others experience a similar phenomenon.