I have a thing for turtles. I rescue them from roads (or cause them to be run over in my attempt to rescue them... don't ask, it was traumatizing) and love watching them. The Tortoise and the Hare was one of my favorite stories when I was little and I actually had a little painted turtle when I was young. Something about that constant determination to get from point A to point B resonates with me. Turtles may not be the most fierce creatures on the planet, but they're resourceful and consistent and tranquil. Maybe the turtle would be my "spirit animal" hehe.
All my life I've had a tenacity for accomplishing things that I feel are important. I can become absolutely relentless, even if it takes me years to reach a goal. Sometimes it felt like I was really "lucky" but after a while I realized that all the planning and work would usually align with the perfect place in time where everything would just fall together, almost magically. My intuition (and some common sense) helped me know how to lay the foundation and when the time was right to build the house (so to speak) I would be ready.
I wonder if this "grit" is something that all INTJ's feel. Despite obstacles, despite naysayers, despite impossible odds, I move forward, always forward, toward my goals. Sometimes they seem very far away and I wonder how long it will take me to arrive, but it doesn't stop the movement. Like a turtle staring at a stretch of highway at 10pm, I say a prayer, check for headlights and start walking.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Physics.
Before I begin, I feel I must clarify something. I have two jobs. I have my "work" that I do outside of my home, and I have my most important job as a Mother, which I take very seriously. I recognize very powerfully... viscerally... how my actions impact my daughter, and now, my step children, too. Every lesson imparted will shape who they become, and each experience will build their foundation. I know that someday our children will grow up and move on to their own lives. My task is to arm them with the tools and knowledge they will need to succeed in the world, and I keep that thought foremost in my mind at all times.
I have gone back to school.
A long and disappointing story, complete with drama at a for-profit, online "university" ten years ago led to me lose my opportunity to graduate a mere semester before graduation. I thought then that my chance to finish college was gone forever but I have been given a second chance. I suppose I shouldn't say "given" because I've fought tooth and nail for it, and I swore that if the chance ever came again, it wouldn't be wasted.
Thanks to the support and encouragement of my amazing husband, I am a student once again. This time, I vowed to study my true interests and not simply "pass classes" so that I can earn a degree. I've learned that life is short, and moments of opportunity sometimes don't present themselves when you want them. I will make the most of my time at school by applying myself in areas that I should have undertaken years ago. To hell with lacking confidence. To say that I am incapable of learning something seems ridiculous. If others can do it, why can't I? I've determined to stop using "I'm not good at math." as a crutch. Over the years I found that when I stopped telling myself that nonsense, math wasn't that hard. I am ready. I really WANT to understand.
In a moment of madness (or perhaps clarity) I decided to enroll as a Physics major. I have always had a fascination with physics theories, but lacked the education to truly understand the things I read. It feels like a gaping hole in my knowledge of the world. All of the questions I have about how things work and why things happen seem to be hidden under this mantle of "physics". I must unravel it. It has become almost a nagging itch... no, more like a screaming voice in my head telling me that this is where my path lies.
I realize that as career paths go, physics isn't something you typically end up actually working in unless you have a Doctorate, but perhaps someday I can achieve even that goal. In the meantime, I will obtain my degree and challenge myself in a way that I've never done. For years I've felt like I'm wasting my abilities; that nothing was really challenging. I grew to intensely dislike how easy it was to simply change the angle of observation to change the truth of a situation. I have manipulated and taken advantage of that mentality shamelessly... and I hate it. How can things be so easily altered? Is reality so fickle? Is the world really so pliable? Simply looking at something from a different perspective can't possibly change the truth of the thing. That sort of witchcraft is exceedingly helpful for those wishing to avoid responsibility or accountability, but it isn't very satisfying. It also isn't me.
Science seems my only hope. Surely here I can find accountability... maybe even elusive reality. Even if a theory is incorrect, it must have been substantiated and have its feet firmly grounded in analysis in order to be widely accepted. Perhaps I can use my ability to see things through that other perspective to help bring progress in some area of science. If I must spend my life working toward a goal, that goal shouldn't be to simply "work smart so you don't have to work hard". That's selfish. It's pointless. When my life is over, my work will have all been for nothing but simple self interest if I cannot apply myself to something worthwhile. If I can use my talents to bring clarity to something that really matters then perhaps my work will have counted for something.
Presently I am blessed to work somewhere that I believe makes a difference in the lives of people. It gives me hope, and makes me want to put in that much more effort when I see that a problem I've solved has made life easier for a few more people. I know that I've had a positive impact, and it makes me happy every day. I can't help but wonder though, how much MORE of an impact I could have if I applied that talent and drive toward something I'm also absolutely passionate about. Something that piques my curiosity and sparks creative thought every time I let my mind wander. Maybe it will simply remain a hobby for me after graduation and I'll use my honed analytical skills toward some other job that helps people, like the one I have now. Whatever it's final purpose, I feel like I'm on the right path and I'm proud of myself for facing something that truly feels like a challenge.
On my midterm grades I have a 4.0 in both classes in which I've enrolled. Who'd have thought? A math class and a chemistry class... and a 4.0. I think we're on to something here.
I have gone back to school.
A long and disappointing story, complete with drama at a for-profit, online "university" ten years ago led to me lose my opportunity to graduate a mere semester before graduation. I thought then that my chance to finish college was gone forever but I have been given a second chance. I suppose I shouldn't say "given" because I've fought tooth and nail for it, and I swore that if the chance ever came again, it wouldn't be wasted.
Thanks to the support and encouragement of my amazing husband, I am a student once again. This time, I vowed to study my true interests and not simply "pass classes" so that I can earn a degree. I've learned that life is short, and moments of opportunity sometimes don't present themselves when you want them. I will make the most of my time at school by applying myself in areas that I should have undertaken years ago. To hell with lacking confidence. To say that I am incapable of learning something seems ridiculous. If others can do it, why can't I? I've determined to stop using "I'm not good at math." as a crutch. Over the years I found that when I stopped telling myself that nonsense, math wasn't that hard. I am ready. I really WANT to understand.
In a moment of madness (or perhaps clarity) I decided to enroll as a Physics major. I have always had a fascination with physics theories, but lacked the education to truly understand the things I read. It feels like a gaping hole in my knowledge of the world. All of the questions I have about how things work and why things happen seem to be hidden under this mantle of "physics". I must unravel it. It has become almost a nagging itch... no, more like a screaming voice in my head telling me that this is where my path lies.
I realize that as career paths go, physics isn't something you typically end up actually working in unless you have a Doctorate, but perhaps someday I can achieve even that goal. In the meantime, I will obtain my degree and challenge myself in a way that I've never done. For years I've felt like I'm wasting my abilities; that nothing was really challenging. I grew to intensely dislike how easy it was to simply change the angle of observation to change the truth of a situation. I have manipulated and taken advantage of that mentality shamelessly... and I hate it. How can things be so easily altered? Is reality so fickle? Is the world really so pliable? Simply looking at something from a different perspective can't possibly change the truth of the thing. That sort of witchcraft is exceedingly helpful for those wishing to avoid responsibility or accountability, but it isn't very satisfying. It also isn't me.
Science seems my only hope. Surely here I can find accountability... maybe even elusive reality. Even if a theory is incorrect, it must have been substantiated and have its feet firmly grounded in analysis in order to be widely accepted. Perhaps I can use my ability to see things through that other perspective to help bring progress in some area of science. If I must spend my life working toward a goal, that goal shouldn't be to simply "work smart so you don't have to work hard". That's selfish. It's pointless. When my life is over, my work will have all been for nothing but simple self interest if I cannot apply myself to something worthwhile. If I can use my talents to bring clarity to something that really matters then perhaps my work will have counted for something.
Presently I am blessed to work somewhere that I believe makes a difference in the lives of people. It gives me hope, and makes me want to put in that much more effort when I see that a problem I've solved has made life easier for a few more people. I know that I've had a positive impact, and it makes me happy every day. I can't help but wonder though, how much MORE of an impact I could have if I applied that talent and drive toward something I'm also absolutely passionate about. Something that piques my curiosity and sparks creative thought every time I let my mind wander. Maybe it will simply remain a hobby for me after graduation and I'll use my honed analytical skills toward some other job that helps people, like the one I have now. Whatever it's final purpose, I feel like I'm on the right path and I'm proud of myself for facing something that truly feels like a challenge.
On my midterm grades I have a 4.0 in both classes in which I've enrolled. Who'd have thought? A math class and a chemistry class... and a 4.0. I think we're on to something here.
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