I have a thing for turtles. I rescue them from roads (or cause them to be run over in my attempt to rescue them... don't ask, it was traumatizing) and love watching them. The Tortoise and the Hare was one of my favorite stories when I was little and I actually had a little painted turtle when I was young. Something about that constant determination to get from point A to point B resonates with me. Turtles may not be the most fierce creatures on the planet, but they're resourceful and consistent and tranquil. Maybe the turtle would be my "spirit animal" hehe.
All my life I've had a tenacity for accomplishing things that I feel are important. I can become absolutely relentless, even if it takes me years to reach a goal. Sometimes it felt like I was really "lucky" but after a while I realized that all the planning and work would usually align with the perfect place in time where everything would just fall together, almost magically. My intuition (and some common sense) helped me know how to lay the foundation and when the time was right to build the house (so to speak) I would be ready.
I wonder if this "grit" is something that all INTJ's feel. Despite obstacles, despite naysayers, despite impossible odds, I move forward, always forward, toward my goals. Sometimes they seem very far away and I wonder how long it will take me to arrive, but it doesn't stop the movement. Like a turtle staring at a stretch of highway at 10pm, I say a prayer, check for headlights and start walking.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Physics.
Before I begin, I feel I must clarify something. I have two jobs. I have my "work" that I do outside of my home, and I have my most important job as a Mother, which I take very seriously. I recognize very powerfully... viscerally... how my actions impact my daughter, and now, my step children, too. Every lesson imparted will shape who they become, and each experience will build their foundation. I know that someday our children will grow up and move on to their own lives. My task is to arm them with the tools and knowledge they will need to succeed in the world, and I keep that thought foremost in my mind at all times.
I have gone back to school.
A long and disappointing story, complete with drama at a for-profit, online "university" ten years ago led to me lose my opportunity to graduate a mere semester before graduation. I thought then that my chance to finish college was gone forever but I have been given a second chance. I suppose I shouldn't say "given" because I've fought tooth and nail for it, and I swore that if the chance ever came again, it wouldn't be wasted.
Thanks to the support and encouragement of my amazing husband, I am a student once again. This time, I vowed to study my true interests and not simply "pass classes" so that I can earn a degree. I've learned that life is short, and moments of opportunity sometimes don't present themselves when you want them. I will make the most of my time at school by applying myself in areas that I should have undertaken years ago. To hell with lacking confidence. To say that I am incapable of learning something seems ridiculous. If others can do it, why can't I? I've determined to stop using "I'm not good at math." as a crutch. Over the years I found that when I stopped telling myself that nonsense, math wasn't that hard. I am ready. I really WANT to understand.
In a moment of madness (or perhaps clarity) I decided to enroll as a Physics major. I have always had a fascination with physics theories, but lacked the education to truly understand the things I read. It feels like a gaping hole in my knowledge of the world. All of the questions I have about how things work and why things happen seem to be hidden under this mantle of "physics". I must unravel it. It has become almost a nagging itch... no, more like a screaming voice in my head telling me that this is where my path lies.
I realize that as career paths go, physics isn't something you typically end up actually working in unless you have a Doctorate, but perhaps someday I can achieve even that goal. In the meantime, I will obtain my degree and challenge myself in a way that I've never done. For years I've felt like I'm wasting my abilities; that nothing was really challenging. I grew to intensely dislike how easy it was to simply change the angle of observation to change the truth of a situation. I have manipulated and taken advantage of that mentality shamelessly... and I hate it. How can things be so easily altered? Is reality so fickle? Is the world really so pliable? Simply looking at something from a different perspective can't possibly change the truth of the thing. That sort of witchcraft is exceedingly helpful for those wishing to avoid responsibility or accountability, but it isn't very satisfying. It also isn't me.
Science seems my only hope. Surely here I can find accountability... maybe even elusive reality. Even if a theory is incorrect, it must have been substantiated and have its feet firmly grounded in analysis in order to be widely accepted. Perhaps I can use my ability to see things through that other perspective to help bring progress in some area of science. If I must spend my life working toward a goal, that goal shouldn't be to simply "work smart so you don't have to work hard". That's selfish. It's pointless. When my life is over, my work will have all been for nothing but simple self interest if I cannot apply myself to something worthwhile. If I can use my talents to bring clarity to something that really matters then perhaps my work will have counted for something.
Presently I am blessed to work somewhere that I believe makes a difference in the lives of people. It gives me hope, and makes me want to put in that much more effort when I see that a problem I've solved has made life easier for a few more people. I know that I've had a positive impact, and it makes me happy every day. I can't help but wonder though, how much MORE of an impact I could have if I applied that talent and drive toward something I'm also absolutely passionate about. Something that piques my curiosity and sparks creative thought every time I let my mind wander. Maybe it will simply remain a hobby for me after graduation and I'll use my honed analytical skills toward some other job that helps people, like the one I have now. Whatever it's final purpose, I feel like I'm on the right path and I'm proud of myself for facing something that truly feels like a challenge.
On my midterm grades I have a 4.0 in both classes in which I've enrolled. Who'd have thought? A math class and a chemistry class... and a 4.0. I think we're on to something here.
I have gone back to school.
A long and disappointing story, complete with drama at a for-profit, online "university" ten years ago led to me lose my opportunity to graduate a mere semester before graduation. I thought then that my chance to finish college was gone forever but I have been given a second chance. I suppose I shouldn't say "given" because I've fought tooth and nail for it, and I swore that if the chance ever came again, it wouldn't be wasted.
Thanks to the support and encouragement of my amazing husband, I am a student once again. This time, I vowed to study my true interests and not simply "pass classes" so that I can earn a degree. I've learned that life is short, and moments of opportunity sometimes don't present themselves when you want them. I will make the most of my time at school by applying myself in areas that I should have undertaken years ago. To hell with lacking confidence. To say that I am incapable of learning something seems ridiculous. If others can do it, why can't I? I've determined to stop using "I'm not good at math." as a crutch. Over the years I found that when I stopped telling myself that nonsense, math wasn't that hard. I am ready. I really WANT to understand.
In a moment of madness (or perhaps clarity) I decided to enroll as a Physics major. I have always had a fascination with physics theories, but lacked the education to truly understand the things I read. It feels like a gaping hole in my knowledge of the world. All of the questions I have about how things work and why things happen seem to be hidden under this mantle of "physics". I must unravel it. It has become almost a nagging itch... no, more like a screaming voice in my head telling me that this is where my path lies.
I realize that as career paths go, physics isn't something you typically end up actually working in unless you have a Doctorate, but perhaps someday I can achieve even that goal. In the meantime, I will obtain my degree and challenge myself in a way that I've never done. For years I've felt like I'm wasting my abilities; that nothing was really challenging. I grew to intensely dislike how easy it was to simply change the angle of observation to change the truth of a situation. I have manipulated and taken advantage of that mentality shamelessly... and I hate it. How can things be so easily altered? Is reality so fickle? Is the world really so pliable? Simply looking at something from a different perspective can't possibly change the truth of the thing. That sort of witchcraft is exceedingly helpful for those wishing to avoid responsibility or accountability, but it isn't very satisfying. It also isn't me.
Science seems my only hope. Surely here I can find accountability... maybe even elusive reality. Even if a theory is incorrect, it must have been substantiated and have its feet firmly grounded in analysis in order to be widely accepted. Perhaps I can use my ability to see things through that other perspective to help bring progress in some area of science. If I must spend my life working toward a goal, that goal shouldn't be to simply "work smart so you don't have to work hard". That's selfish. It's pointless. When my life is over, my work will have all been for nothing but simple self interest if I cannot apply myself to something worthwhile. If I can use my talents to bring clarity to something that really matters then perhaps my work will have counted for something.
Presently I am blessed to work somewhere that I believe makes a difference in the lives of people. It gives me hope, and makes me want to put in that much more effort when I see that a problem I've solved has made life easier for a few more people. I know that I've had a positive impact, and it makes me happy every day. I can't help but wonder though, how much MORE of an impact I could have if I applied that talent and drive toward something I'm also absolutely passionate about. Something that piques my curiosity and sparks creative thought every time I let my mind wander. Maybe it will simply remain a hobby for me after graduation and I'll use my honed analytical skills toward some other job that helps people, like the one I have now. Whatever it's final purpose, I feel like I'm on the right path and I'm proud of myself for facing something that truly feels like a challenge.
On my midterm grades I have a 4.0 in both classes in which I've enrolled. Who'd have thought? A math class and a chemistry class... and a 4.0. I think we're on to something here.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
INTJ Mom's - With ENFP Daughters
I have an amazing daughter. She's funny and intelligent and absolutely lights up my life.
I discovered a great tactic a while ago to deal with her emotional teenage outbursts. I talk to her, hug her, give sage advise... and when none of that works I let loose with an incredibly uncharacteristic emotional outburst of my own, complete with arm waving, tears and a voice that raises about two octaves. At that point she's usually so flabbergasted to see me in such a state that she calms down. Someday she might realize that it's just a little premeditated *cackle* Survival of the fittest, sweety! I feel totally justified in this since she uses her people-intuition to push my buttons at every opportunity.
Earlier today, in fact, as I was typing my previous blog post she came up and wrapped her arms around me and said "You're in Thinking mode." I replied "Yep" and kept typing. She then laughed, squeeeeezed harder and started chanting and yelling "FEEL! I WANT YOU TO FEEL! DO IT!" I began laughing and told her that I was beginning to FEEL something and she was about to be it's recipient.
She laughed, giggled and squeeeezed some more with glee "IT'S COMING! I CAN TELL!" I gave a fake growl, snuggled back with her... and then told her to never marry an INTJ. She skipped away, proud of herself for getting me to break concentration and respond to her irrational quest.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the most ill-prepared woman in the world to help this child grow into an adult. She's a complete enigma to me and yet I love her unconditionally and fiercely. The most entertaining person I know is this confusing little creature I call daughter. I have no idea how I made something like that. I'm so incredibly glad that I did.
She's also an ENFP. A TEENAGE ENFP. There is a terrific post about ENFP children here and it rings so true for her.
What it probably doesn't say is that ENFP and INTJ relationships are one of the most laughed about and talked about relationships in MBTI. Where the INTJ is cast as all serious and prickly, the ENFP is the enthusiastic, heart warming, people loving polar opposite.
Lucky for her, I'm her Mom and I couldn't run away screaming like a normal INTJ response would presume (lol).
Imagine my relief when I was finally able to "figure her out" and we discovered her ENFP-ness. I think she felt the same kind of relief to understand me, at long last. Now it has become a source of entertainment for her (and for me) to point out those differences. It gave us some common ground on which to work and probably saved us from driving each other insane as she has morphed into teenage ENFP.
I discovered a great tactic a while ago to deal with her emotional teenage outbursts. I talk to her, hug her, give sage advise... and when none of that works I let loose with an incredibly uncharacteristic emotional outburst of my own, complete with arm waving, tears and a voice that raises about two octaves. At that point she's usually so flabbergasted to see me in such a state that she calms down. Someday she might realize that it's just a little premeditated *cackle* Survival of the fittest, sweety! I feel totally justified in this since she uses her people-intuition to push my buttons at every opportunity.
Earlier today, in fact, as I was typing my previous blog post she came up and wrapped her arms around me and said "You're in Thinking mode." I replied "Yep" and kept typing. She then laughed, squeeeeezed harder and started chanting and yelling "FEEL! I WANT YOU TO FEEL! DO IT!" I began laughing and told her that I was beginning to FEEL something and she was about to be it's recipient.
She laughed, giggled and squeeeezed some more with glee "IT'S COMING! I CAN TELL!" I gave a fake growl, snuggled back with her... and then told her to never marry an INTJ. She skipped away, proud of herself for getting me to break concentration and respond to her irrational quest.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the most ill-prepared woman in the world to help this child grow into an adult. She's a complete enigma to me and yet I love her unconditionally and fiercely. The most entertaining person I know is this confusing little creature I call daughter. I have no idea how I made something like that. I'm so incredibly glad that I did.
INTJ Children
Preemptive note: This blog post is specifically intended for those interested in studying INTJ personalities. It will be most helpful in hearing how an INTJ child viewed herself and the world around her, as well as hobbies and environmental factors.
I was a weird kid, I'm sure of it. When I look back I find it difficult to separate how I felt and thought from the way others must have seen me. I may be more self-aware now, but as a child I truly lived in a world of my own making. There was zero concept of how my actions, words and interests were received by others, except to note from time to time a hostility aimed in my direction. I didn't understand it.
My thoughts were rarely angry and I never went out of my way to be purposely mean to someone... but I could build up intense dislike for bullies (even if I was not the one being bullied). That would later turn me into a sort of champion and defender of the underdogs as I grew older. As an adult I grow instantly wary of "public opinion" when whole groups of people choose to ostracize and attack a single individual. I prefer to withhold judgement until I can make my own observations. Quite often those "outsiders" become my friends.
Children can be unforgiving though and when I look back on the course of my life I can't help but smile in pity and want to offer up a hug to the eight year old Me who felt so isolated and misunderstood. I had friends (some of whom I still keep in touch with) but more often I found that I didn't quite fit in, and things that others seemed to do naturally were a complete mystery to me. I wish I could have been there for her to offer up some advise but unfortunately she had to figure it out on her own. Let me paint a picture.
My 5th birthday was three days too late to start kindergarten in 1985. Thanks to my Aunt and cousin I was well versed on colors, numbers, shapes and alphabet singing... but I was "too little". As soul-crushing as it was to have to wait "...a whole 'nother year!" it gave me a huge advantage the following year. By the time I entered school I could already read at a first or second grade level. I was assigned to accelerated reading, writing and English classes in every school year (and yet I still repeatedly end sentences with prepositions). I distinctly remember reading White Fang in third grade and being accused by my reading teacher (and all of my reading group peers) of lying about reading it and "creating" a storyline for my book report. I literally had to show the teacher the ending of the book to prove that it wasn't at all like the movie (which I had never seen). "White Fang does TOO end up in the South and in the end he has little puppies climbing on him!" Whatever. It seems that this incident still brings up feelings of resentment and indignation because expletives keep trying to leave my fingertips to make it onto this page. I still have the original book... which is falling apart and has a most of the first pages missing. I love that book.
Looking back it seems like teachers were always identifying me as "different"... sometimes in a positive way and other times very badly. There didn't seem to be many passive spectators... they either offered me challenges or rode my proverbial arse constantly. "Misty has so much potential.", "Misty doesn't pay attention in class.", "Misty doesn't complete her homework.", "Misty tested in the 95th percentile in the nation." (Seriously, I kept this because I was shocked to learn that this 2nd grade teacher who I thought had hated me had written something like this to my parents. I found it in my Mom's saved school works of ours when I was a teenager.)
Maybe because I "stood out" (for better or worse) I ended up in a large number of "special programs" and have no idea how it happened or who put me in them. I remember doing a movie-making class at the local tech college in fourth grade where we would ride a bus there and back, spending an hour or so learning how to use recording equipment and making a bad reproduction of The Wizard of Oz. On those days I was allowed to miss Math class... which was a blessing because she was another teacher who I'm pretty sure hated me. I faked being sick more in her class than any other in the history of my school years and the school nurse began sending me directly back because I made such a common appearance at the same time of day so frequently. One day the nurse caught me taking the long route back to class, hoping to delay my return until the period ended. In that moment I was actually sad because I loved the school nurse and felt like I had let her down somehow. I think that single year set me up for years of trouble in Math. Add the lack of Math fundamentals to my avoidance of doing homework and it was a perfect storm. Over the next few years I came to know the school principle pretty well because I never did my homework in elementary school... I knew him so well, in fact, that I helped organize a retirement party for him with the students years later.
One thing in particular stayed the same for my entire life: I LOVE books. I had a great book collection by the time I graduated and I still own most of them. They were my most important possessions and I would still count my library among the things I might consider hauling out with me should the house catch on fire. I'd probably die in a blaze while pitching classic novels out the window. In grade school I literally walked around the halls with my nose in a book, allowing my peripheral vision and the elbows of others to direct me through the flow of traffic. One year I lost one of my favorite library books (Shel Silverstein's "Where the Sidewalk Ends") and instead of paying to replace it I ended up "working" in the library after the school year ended to organize all of the books on the shelves and put them back into their proper dewy-decimal-ed places. My "punishment" was the highlight of my summer vacation... I was in heaven. If I had been brave enough I would have offered to come in at the end of every school year to help re-organize the books... but since this was supposed to be my punishment I figured I'd better not act too happy about it or they might find some different form of punishment for me. I still have no idea what happened to that book. I hope it didn't meet with some untimely demise. Books were my friends and the library was my second home. It was quiet and talking was actually frowned upon! Not to mention the abundance of new ideas, places, people and things that were inside the covers of books
Once, as a senior in high school, I found a book that some idiot had spit a huge wad of tobacco into and went into such a fit that I sat down to write a scathing piece titled "Literary Critic Comes to X-ville" to the anonymous criminal. It ended up in the school newsletter and I still have a copy of it because it makes me laugh every time I see it. If I can find it, I'll post it here. It's hilariously obnoxious... INTJ Self Righteousness at it's best. I felt better after I finished writing it. Interestingly enough it was the only thing I ever felt strongly enough about to "speak out against". Don't mess with the books or the wrath will find you. Ahh... here it is:
I found hobbies and interests that weren't exactly sexy. I was a Clogger. I played the Trombone (not by choice). I was an amazing color guard member in the marching band and ended up being recruited into the instructors indoor-guard group. I wrote poetry... a LOT of poetry. I studied handwriting analysis after a little machine at a carnival printed out an "amazingly accurate description" of me after I gave it my $5.00. I thought it was incredible that such things could be derived from handwriting alone.
In ninth or tenth grade I signed up for the schools Peer Tutor program and would spend a couple afternoons a week in the elementary school working with K-4 graders. I continued to work as a tutor until I graduated and found a huge sense of accomplishment helping young minds learn. It was this work that led me to believe I would be a teacher when I graduated.
My junior year in highschool that tendency to be chosen for "special programs" actually changed the course of my life... and quite by accident. We had a school assembly where some kids from our foreign exchange club (something I'd never paid any attention to) were talking to us about what they did and how great it was. It sounded interesting but at the end, when they said that "anyone who wanted to learn more should stay behind after the assembly" I really only stayed because I didn't want to go back to Math class. (Yep... still avoiding Math.) Nine months later I was on a plane bound for Spain for a year long experience. Oops. The application and selection process moved so fast I barely had time to process what was happening. Then I was fundraising and applying for a Visa. Then came an orientation, then my first time flying on a plane... followed by culture shock and an accelerated course in learning more Spanish. Three years of highschool Spanish, no matter how good you are at it, does not prepare you for immersion in a Spanish speaking culture. Not to mention the regional language that was spoken in the Valencia region. I honed my potential career to possibly being a Spanish teacher or translator during this time.
My Junior year I was also inducted into the National Honor Society. It was a very proud moment for me to go through the induction ceremony and to receive my pin.
I have all sorts of odd paper clippings saved in albums, some of which included things like early references (a few years prior) to the Y2K issue and a "Leap Second" that took place in 1995-1996 at the end of the year. Somehow I knew these things were important. Apparently I do have a strong sentimental streak... but it isn't always for the things that are obvious.
Its difficult to sum up my experience as a child except to say that sometimes I was "preparing" for something that I didn't even know I was working toward until it happened. That seems to remain true, even today. I worked hard and opportunities arose. More often than not I found myself in a position to take advantage of them... which broadened my foundation even more. I feel extremely lucky to have had so many experiences and for all the teachers, mentors and family members who encouraged me to work for goals, even when they seemed impossible.
I was a weird kid, I'm sure of it. When I look back I find it difficult to separate how I felt and thought from the way others must have seen me. I may be more self-aware now, but as a child I truly lived in a world of my own making. There was zero concept of how my actions, words and interests were received by others, except to note from time to time a hostility aimed in my direction. I didn't understand it.
My thoughts were rarely angry and I never went out of my way to be purposely mean to someone... but I could build up intense dislike for bullies (even if I was not the one being bullied). That would later turn me into a sort of champion and defender of the underdogs as I grew older. As an adult I grow instantly wary of "public opinion" when whole groups of people choose to ostracize and attack a single individual. I prefer to withhold judgement until I can make my own observations. Quite often those "outsiders" become my friends.
Children can be unforgiving though and when I look back on the course of my life I can't help but smile in pity and want to offer up a hug to the eight year old Me who felt so isolated and misunderstood. I had friends (some of whom I still keep in touch with) but more often I found that I didn't quite fit in, and things that others seemed to do naturally were a complete mystery to me. I wish I could have been there for her to offer up some advise but unfortunately she had to figure it out on her own. Let me paint a picture.
My 5th birthday was three days too late to start kindergarten in 1985. Thanks to my Aunt and cousin I was well versed on colors, numbers, shapes and alphabet singing... but I was "too little". As soul-crushing as it was to have to wait "...a whole 'nother year!" it gave me a huge advantage the following year. By the time I entered school I could already read at a first or second grade level. I was assigned to accelerated reading, writing and English classes in every school year (and yet I still repeatedly end sentences with prepositions). I distinctly remember reading White Fang in third grade and being accused by my reading teacher (and all of my reading group peers) of lying about reading it and "creating" a storyline for my book report. I literally had to show the teacher the ending of the book to prove that it wasn't at all like the movie (which I had never seen). "White Fang does TOO end up in the South and in the end he has little puppies climbing on him!" Whatever. It seems that this incident still brings up feelings of resentment and indignation because expletives keep trying to leave my fingertips to make it onto this page. I still have the original book... which is falling apart and has a most of the first pages missing. I love that book.
Looking back it seems like teachers were always identifying me as "different"... sometimes in a positive way and other times very badly. There didn't seem to be many passive spectators... they either offered me challenges or rode my proverbial arse constantly. "Misty has so much potential.", "Misty doesn't pay attention in class.", "Misty doesn't complete her homework.", "Misty tested in the 95th percentile in the nation." (Seriously, I kept this because I was shocked to learn that this 2nd grade teacher who I thought had hated me had written something like this to my parents. I found it in my Mom's saved school works of ours when I was a teenager.)
Maybe because I "stood out" (for better or worse) I ended up in a large number of "special programs" and have no idea how it happened or who put me in them. I remember doing a movie-making class at the local tech college in fourth grade where we would ride a bus there and back, spending an hour or so learning how to use recording equipment and making a bad reproduction of The Wizard of Oz. On those days I was allowed to miss Math class... which was a blessing because she was another teacher who I'm pretty sure hated me. I faked being sick more in her class than any other in the history of my school years and the school nurse began sending me directly back because I made such a common appearance at the same time of day so frequently. One day the nurse caught me taking the long route back to class, hoping to delay my return until the period ended. In that moment I was actually sad because I loved the school nurse and felt like I had let her down somehow. I think that single year set me up for years of trouble in Math. Add the lack of Math fundamentals to my avoidance of doing homework and it was a perfect storm. Over the next few years I came to know the school principle pretty well because I never did my homework in elementary school... I knew him so well, in fact, that I helped organize a retirement party for him with the students years later.
One thing in particular stayed the same for my entire life: I LOVE books. I had a great book collection by the time I graduated and I still own most of them. They were my most important possessions and I would still count my library among the things I might consider hauling out with me should the house catch on fire. I'd probably die in a blaze while pitching classic novels out the window. In grade school I literally walked around the halls with my nose in a book, allowing my peripheral vision and the elbows of others to direct me through the flow of traffic. One year I lost one of my favorite library books (Shel Silverstein's "Where the Sidewalk Ends") and instead of paying to replace it I ended up "working" in the library after the school year ended to organize all of the books on the shelves and put them back into their proper dewy-decimal-ed places. My "punishment" was the highlight of my summer vacation... I was in heaven. If I had been brave enough I would have offered to come in at the end of every school year to help re-organize the books... but since this was supposed to be my punishment I figured I'd better not act too happy about it or they might find some different form of punishment for me. I still have no idea what happened to that book. I hope it didn't meet with some untimely demise. Books were my friends and the library was my second home. It was quiet and talking was actually frowned upon! Not to mention the abundance of new ideas, places, people and things that were inside the covers of books
Once, as a senior in high school, I found a book that some idiot had spit a huge wad of tobacco into and went into such a fit that I sat down to write a scathing piece titled "Literary Critic Comes to X-ville" to the anonymous criminal. It ended up in the school newsletter and I still have a copy of it because it makes me laugh every time I see it. If I can find it, I'll post it here. It's hilariously obnoxious... INTJ Self Righteousness at it's best. I felt better after I finished writing it. Interestingly enough it was the only thing I ever felt strongly enough about to "speak out against". Don't mess with the books or the wrath will find you. Ahh... here it is:
I found hobbies and interests that weren't exactly sexy. I was a Clogger. I played the Trombone (not by choice). I was an amazing color guard member in the marching band and ended up being recruited into the instructors indoor-guard group. I wrote poetry... a LOT of poetry. I studied handwriting analysis after a little machine at a carnival printed out an "amazingly accurate description" of me after I gave it my $5.00. I thought it was incredible that such things could be derived from handwriting alone.
In ninth or tenth grade I signed up for the schools Peer Tutor program and would spend a couple afternoons a week in the elementary school working with K-4 graders. I continued to work as a tutor until I graduated and found a huge sense of accomplishment helping young minds learn. It was this work that led me to believe I would be a teacher when I graduated.
My junior year in highschool that tendency to be chosen for "special programs" actually changed the course of my life... and quite by accident. We had a school assembly where some kids from our foreign exchange club (something I'd never paid any attention to) were talking to us about what they did and how great it was. It sounded interesting but at the end, when they said that "anyone who wanted to learn more should stay behind after the assembly" I really only stayed because I didn't want to go back to Math class. (Yep... still avoiding Math.) Nine months later I was on a plane bound for Spain for a year long experience. Oops. The application and selection process moved so fast I barely had time to process what was happening. Then I was fundraising and applying for a Visa. Then came an orientation, then my first time flying on a plane... followed by culture shock and an accelerated course in learning more Spanish. Three years of highschool Spanish, no matter how good you are at it, does not prepare you for immersion in a Spanish speaking culture. Not to mention the regional language that was spoken in the Valencia region. I honed my potential career to possibly being a Spanish teacher or translator during this time.
Student Orientation in Spain
Classmates & Friends
(Completely oblivious to the fact that flannel
was not a thing in Spain... or maybe even at home.)
My Junior year I was also inducted into the National Honor Society. It was a very proud moment for me to go through the induction ceremony and to receive my pin.
I have all sorts of odd paper clippings saved in albums, some of which included things like early references (a few years prior) to the Y2K issue and a "Leap Second" that took place in 1995-1996 at the end of the year. Somehow I knew these things were important. Apparently I do have a strong sentimental streak... but it isn't always for the things that are obvious.
Its difficult to sum up my experience as a child except to say that sometimes I was "preparing" for something that I didn't even know I was working toward until it happened. That seems to remain true, even today. I worked hard and opportunities arose. More often than not I found myself in a position to take advantage of them... which broadened my foundation even more. I feel extremely lucky to have had so many experiences and for all the teachers, mentors and family members who encouraged me to work for goals, even when they seemed impossible.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
A "Leadership Philosophy" of Little Seeds
"What is your leadership philosophy?"
That is the question that was posed to us by a member of the DOHR team at TGMI. We were given all of about 3 minutes to think of a philosophy and write it down.
Mine came out something like this:
"Plant seeds of excitement and success, nurturing them until the garden is an overgrowth of strength and unity; able to support the entire ecosystem."
It surprised me a little to see what emerged when I was under pressure to think of what it really means to me to be a leader. After I thought about it though, I realized that it fits my vision very succinctly.
I know that change doesn't happen overnight. I understand the importance of continuously monitoring progress and keeping momentum. In my mind I can see very clearly what that looks like in the end: a healthy, vibrant, engaged community of collaborators. I realized that I love this philosophy.
"Planting seeds of success" could be anything:
- Giving your team the proper tools to do their job
- Encouraging an atmosphere of open communication
- Allowing your team to make mistakes and learn from them
- Taking the time to know your team well enough to use the proper incentives
- Following through on promises
Little successes build confidence and excitement in the team, which leads to more successes and more confidence... and more excitement. I believe there is as much of an "upward spiral" as there is the proverbial "downward spiral".
I also realized after thinking about my analogy that sometimes there are weeds in the garden that, when left to grow, can strangle the potential that exists. Those weeds may be processes that block progress or negativity left unchecked. Sometimes, despite all effort, there are "un-team members" who cannot or will not embrace change, no matter how it is presented to them. Those weeds should be addressed sooner rather than later because there is only so much progress to be made under those conditions.
Isn't it odd how just a few minutes can become a defining moment? While I knew these things in my heart and thought them frequently, simply being prompted to put it into one coherent sentence that sums it all up provided me with a much clearer, easier to express idea of what leadership should look like. Perhaps this philosophy will even experience change and grow itself over time, but for right now I can say that I'm proud of it and will keep it in my mind as a compass of sorts.
That is the question that was posed to us by a member of the DOHR team at TGMI. We were given all of about 3 minutes to think of a philosophy and write it down.
Mine came out something like this:
"Plant seeds of excitement and success, nurturing them until the garden is an overgrowth of strength and unity; able to support the entire ecosystem."
It surprised me a little to see what emerged when I was under pressure to think of what it really means to me to be a leader. After I thought about it though, I realized that it fits my vision very succinctly.
I know that change doesn't happen overnight. I understand the importance of continuously monitoring progress and keeping momentum. In my mind I can see very clearly what that looks like in the end: a healthy, vibrant, engaged community of collaborators. I realized that I love this philosophy.
"Planting seeds of success" could be anything:
- Giving your team the proper tools to do their job
- Encouraging an atmosphere of open communication
- Allowing your team to make mistakes and learn from them
- Taking the time to know your team well enough to use the proper incentives
- Following through on promises
Little successes build confidence and excitement in the team, which leads to more successes and more confidence... and more excitement. I believe there is as much of an "upward spiral" as there is the proverbial "downward spiral".
I also realized after thinking about my analogy that sometimes there are weeds in the garden that, when left to grow, can strangle the potential that exists. Those weeds may be processes that block progress or negativity left unchecked. Sometimes, despite all effort, there are "un-team members" who cannot or will not embrace change, no matter how it is presented to them. Those weeds should be addressed sooner rather than later because there is only so much progress to be made under those conditions.
Isn't it odd how just a few minutes can become a defining moment? While I knew these things in my heart and thought them frequently, simply being prompted to put it into one coherent sentence that sums it all up provided me with a much clearer, easier to express idea of what leadership should look like. Perhaps this philosophy will even experience change and grow itself over time, but for right now I can say that I'm proud of it and will keep it in my mind as a compass of sorts.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
TGMI! (TN Govt Management Institute)
A few weeks ago our IT director sent an email to myself and another colleague to let us know that she and our supervisors had nominated us for participation in a class called TGMI (Tennessee Government Management Institute). In their own words:
"Begun in 2000, the Tennessee Government Management Institute (TGMI) is the catalyst by which Tennessee and its managers are transformed into the best this nation has to offer. The Leaders of the State, the Department of Human Resources, and the University of Tennessee have formed an alliance that provides Tennessee managers with an environment of academic freedom, and commitment to excellence, in which to grow beyond all of their actual and perceived boundaries."
Departments across the state can nominate and submit potential attendees to the central HR office where the final selection is made. Only 36 applications are chosen from all submissions to participate.
My colleague and I filled out our applications and a week or so later I received an email that I had been chosen as a class attendee! Next Tuesday is our Orientation and then, in the first week of May, I will be headed to an off-site training for the first week. (The second week will be in June)
Leading teams and finding innovative ways to bring about positive change will never get old for me. There is a challenge in making that happen that appeals to me at a very deep level. It seems to be the best forum for using my knowledge in group behavior and personality preferences in a practical and positive way. It is fascinating and rewarding to help others come to work and actually enjoy themselves because they know they are appreciated and that their talents are being used to the fullest. When entire teams operate at that level, amazing change can take place.
Being accepted into TGMI may provide an even broader understanding of great leadership principles, which is very exciting. I am honored to become a part of such a terrific program and I hope that I can meet some like-minded people during my training!
"Begun in 2000, the Tennessee Government Management Institute (TGMI) is the catalyst by which Tennessee and its managers are transformed into the best this nation has to offer. The Leaders of the State, the Department of Human Resources, and the University of Tennessee have formed an alliance that provides Tennessee managers with an environment of academic freedom, and commitment to excellence, in which to grow beyond all of their actual and perceived boundaries."
Departments across the state can nominate and submit potential attendees to the central HR office where the final selection is made. Only 36 applications are chosen from all submissions to participate.
My colleague and I filled out our applications and a week or so later I received an email that I had been chosen as a class attendee! Next Tuesday is our Orientation and then, in the first week of May, I will be headed to an off-site training for the first week. (The second week will be in June)
Leading teams and finding innovative ways to bring about positive change will never get old for me. There is a challenge in making that happen that appeals to me at a very deep level. It seems to be the best forum for using my knowledge in group behavior and personality preferences in a practical and positive way. It is fascinating and rewarding to help others come to work and actually enjoy themselves because they know they are appreciated and that their talents are being used to the fullest. When entire teams operate at that level, amazing change can take place.
Being accepted into TGMI may provide an even broader understanding of great leadership principles, which is very exciting. I am honored to become a part of such a terrific program and I hope that I can meet some like-minded people during my training!
Sunday, April 12, 2015
MBTI vs HBDI - Making Sense of Nonsense
Recently I attended a great class hosted by The Learning Tree for "Critical Thinking and Creative Problem Solving". It was one of the most interesting classes I've taken and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Part of my excitement in the class stemmed from my study of MBTI because one of the outcomes of the class was to receive a packet with our own personal HBDI results. I'd only heard little bits about HBDI, the Herrmann Brain Dominance Indicator, and hadn't paid much attention to it in the past because there aren't really good tests available that aren't done by the HBDI owners, and those cost money.
Prior to the class, everyone had to take the test. As I proceeded through the questions I could see some similarities to MBTI question types, but there were distinct differences. This test forced you to choose priorities. It isn't possible to choose everything with HBDI, so each person has to think carefully about what attributes most fit them.
When I received my HBDI results in the class, I thought they were wrong. Interesting, but wrong.
Without going into too much detail, these results indicate a personality that is triple dominant, which is found in about 34% of participants. It reveals a strong preference for Creative/Intuitive as well as Analytical thinking. Those two were closely followed by Interpersonal preferences and Organizational was the lowest. How could this be? Anyone who knows me says I'm one of the most organized and analytical people they know. How could a brain that is supposedly hard-wired to lean toward "right-brain" tendencies display the opposite in day-to-day life? How could both theories be so widely accepted... and so vastly different?
HBDI goes to great lengths to repeat that preference is NOT equal to competence, but it still made very little sense to me. Wouldn't a person who relied heavily on one part of the brain behave in a manner that fit that tendency? The problem with mine was that they were so evenly distributed that it wasn't entirely clear where the real "winner" was. I was also baffled by the fact that the "D" quadrant (Creative) scored the highest, if only by a couple of points. There are many things that I consider myself to be... but creative wasn't usually at the top of the list. While I have had many, many, MANY different hobbies through the years, I never considered myself very good at them and eventually I would learn what I needed to know about them to be satisfied and I would move on. The few that stick felt more like "cerebral" or emotionally expressive activities to me, not creative activities.
As we proceeded through the class some things began to ring true about this type that was represented on a neat, colorful little graph. I am highly intuitive when problem solving or learning and intuition is tied most closely to the D quadrant. I bought my car because 1) I fell in love with the "space age" dashboard and 2) Because it received high ratings in all the important things. In that order. I bought my appliances because 1) The buttons and knobs had the right tactile feel to them 2) Because they had good reviews and great warranties. In that order. There are other examples, but it seems that when I make every day decisions there is a part of me that insists something be aesthetically pleasing first... and then functional and reliable. If I can't justify my desire for something "nice" with the analytical "will this work" part, the purchase isn't made. It has to be both in equal parts.
When I started looking into my work behavior, I saw it even more. I have always had a tendency to want to think outside the box and find solutions that aren't obvious. To me, the perfect solution to a problem is a thing of beauty. It's elegant. It's always my goal. Oftentimes I just know the answer to something without really understanding how I figured it out because my intuition has put pieces together for me without conscious effort. This is "Creativity" at work.
By the time the class was over I tended to agree with my results but I was still bothered by the seeming lack of consistency between MBTI and HBDI. The analyst mentality kicked in and I started writing. Using the information in the packet that was provided I was able to determine (what others apparently already knew if I had just Googled it) that the four quadrants have a basic correlation to Sensing, Thinking, Feeling and Intuition which are the four basic "functions" of the MBTI world. Introversion and Extroversion impact how those functions manifest themselves, and the order in which they are "preferred" also plays a huge role.
Before I go any deeper into this rabbit hole, I would like to mention that I've always been annoyed by the way MBTI grouped personality types. Using NT/NF/SJ/SP as their baseline always seemed vulgar to my patterned brain. Why not NT/NF/ST/SF? What possible difference could the J/P make when they aren't even tied to the base functions? That question is a key, so hang onto it.
Once I figured out the four quadrants could correlate to MBTI base functions, I started mapping, but I grouped them by the N/S/T/F primarily to accommodate the HBDI.
If we then place each MBTI type into the quadrant of "dominance", where primary Sensors were all in quadrant A, primary Thinkers were in quadrant B and so on, my issue with MBTI seemed to resolve itself. No more with the J/P nonsense, this was beautiful! Here was the initial outline:
But wait... the entire MBTI grouping system was now in jeopardy. What on Earth could an INTJ, INFJ, ENTP and ENFP possibly all have in common... aside from their dominant intuition? What indeed. If I knew more about how actual nerves in the brain were wired I believe it would correspond to what is visible here but that's for another day's research. Do you notice anything about the little arrows that are drawn next to each type? I'll give you a hint: The line starts in the primary function quadrant and the arrow indicates the very last quadrant to be reached, at least in the way that the MBTI functions exist. An INTJ's "thought preference pattern" looks something like this (moving D -> B -> C -> A)
Realistically this would look more like a figure 8 that starts in the D quadrant (there are 8 overall functions for each type but usually on the first 4 are used because the other four are easily plugged in thereafter. A completed INTJ function list would be Ni, Te, Fi, Se, Ne, Ti, Fe, Si). The thing is, not every type has this "figure 8" pattern. Some run clockwise or counter clockwise and they can start in any quadrant. Introversion/Extroversion doesn't come into play until you start applying the characteristics that belong to each type. In other words: How does it manifest?
The only other type that has the same "thought preference pattern" as an INTJ is the ENTP, but on the surface these two types have very little in common as far as behavior are concerned. Scratch just a little bit deeper though and there are some similarities in how they can generate possibilities and grasp big-picture ideas. Both also have a bit of an obnoxiousness to them in stereotypical descriptions.
What does all of this mean? Right now, I am hesitant to jump to conclusions but these are my thoughts as I continue to review:
1. The "Thought preference pattern" for every single "type" both starts and ends in either the Neocortex (quadrants A/D) or the Limbic system (quadrants B/C). It can't be a coincidence that no "patterns" were left/right aligned. This may be tied directly to how the brain is hard-wired.
2. Order matters, a LOT, when reviewing functions... but HBDI doesn't seem well equipped to handle this fact.
3. Dominance matters, a LOT, but MBTI doesn't seem well equipped to handle this fact. (I have not yet determined how reliable the HBDI "dominance" factor lines up with MBTI primary functions, except to note that my own dominant quadrant (D) does in fact line up with my primary MBTI function of Intuition)
4. Competence seems to be a product of environment, will power and practice... variables that are difficult to measure in a "test" environment. Is this "wild card" factor measurable in some way? What does it do to HBDI/MBTI measurements over time?
5. I want to explore the difference in personality manifestations that compare types that are 'cross functional' against those that run clockwise or counterclockwise.
6. Enneagram works at a very subconscious level. Could there be a correlation in these patterns to enneagram types?
7. I really do think the key is in the J/P dichotomy... but where is it found? It seems to be completely ignored in HBDI. Could this area be a manifestation of the "third brain" or "Reptilian" brain that equates to "fight" or "flight"? In a loose sense, maybe "fight" is the J preference and "flight" is the P preference. Maybe...
Prior to the class, everyone had to take the test. As I proceeded through the questions I could see some similarities to MBTI question types, but there were distinct differences. This test forced you to choose priorities. It isn't possible to choose everything with HBDI, so each person has to think carefully about what attributes most fit them.
When I received my HBDI results in the class, I thought they were wrong. Interesting, but wrong.
Without going into too much detail, these results indicate a personality that is triple dominant, which is found in about 34% of participants. It reveals a strong preference for Creative/Intuitive as well as Analytical thinking. Those two were closely followed by Interpersonal preferences and Organizational was the lowest. How could this be? Anyone who knows me says I'm one of the most organized and analytical people they know. How could a brain that is supposedly hard-wired to lean toward "right-brain" tendencies display the opposite in day-to-day life? How could both theories be so widely accepted... and so vastly different?
HBDI goes to great lengths to repeat that preference is NOT equal to competence, but it still made very little sense to me. Wouldn't a person who relied heavily on one part of the brain behave in a manner that fit that tendency? The problem with mine was that they were so evenly distributed that it wasn't entirely clear where the real "winner" was. I was also baffled by the fact that the "D" quadrant (Creative) scored the highest, if only by a couple of points. There are many things that I consider myself to be... but creative wasn't usually at the top of the list. While I have had many, many, MANY different hobbies through the years, I never considered myself very good at them and eventually I would learn what I needed to know about them to be satisfied and I would move on. The few that stick felt more like "cerebral" or emotionally expressive activities to me, not creative activities.
As we proceeded through the class some things began to ring true about this type that was represented on a neat, colorful little graph. I am highly intuitive when problem solving or learning and intuition is tied most closely to the D quadrant. I bought my car because 1) I fell in love with the "space age" dashboard and 2) Because it received high ratings in all the important things. In that order. I bought my appliances because 1) The buttons and knobs had the right tactile feel to them 2) Because they had good reviews and great warranties. In that order. There are other examples, but it seems that when I make every day decisions there is a part of me that insists something be aesthetically pleasing first... and then functional and reliable. If I can't justify my desire for something "nice" with the analytical "will this work" part, the purchase isn't made. It has to be both in equal parts.
When I started looking into my work behavior, I saw it even more. I have always had a tendency to want to think outside the box and find solutions that aren't obvious. To me, the perfect solution to a problem is a thing of beauty. It's elegant. It's always my goal. Oftentimes I just know the answer to something without really understanding how I figured it out because my intuition has put pieces together for me without conscious effort. This is "Creativity" at work.
By the time the class was over I tended to agree with my results but I was still bothered by the seeming lack of consistency between MBTI and HBDI. The analyst mentality kicked in and I started writing. Using the information in the packet that was provided I was able to determine (what others apparently already knew if I had just Googled it) that the four quadrants have a basic correlation to Sensing, Thinking, Feeling and Intuition which are the four basic "functions" of the MBTI world. Introversion and Extroversion impact how those functions manifest themselves, and the order in which they are "preferred" also plays a huge role.
Before I go any deeper into this rabbit hole, I would like to mention that I've always been annoyed by the way MBTI grouped personality types. Using NT/NF/SJ/SP as their baseline always seemed vulgar to my patterned brain. Why not NT/NF/ST/SF? What possible difference could the J/P make when they aren't even tied to the base functions? That question is a key, so hang onto it.
Once I figured out the four quadrants could correlate to MBTI base functions, I started mapping, but I grouped them by the N/S/T/F primarily to accommodate the HBDI.
If we then place each MBTI type into the quadrant of "dominance", where primary Sensors were all in quadrant A, primary Thinkers were in quadrant B and so on, my issue with MBTI seemed to resolve itself. No more with the J/P nonsense, this was beautiful! Here was the initial outline:
But wait... the entire MBTI grouping system was now in jeopardy. What on Earth could an INTJ, INFJ, ENTP and ENFP possibly all have in common... aside from their dominant intuition? What indeed. If I knew more about how actual nerves in the brain were wired I believe it would correspond to what is visible here but that's for another day's research. Do you notice anything about the little arrows that are drawn next to each type? I'll give you a hint: The line starts in the primary function quadrant and the arrow indicates the very last quadrant to be reached, at least in the way that the MBTI functions exist. An INTJ's "thought preference pattern" looks something like this (moving D -> B -> C -> A)
Realistically this would look more like a figure 8 that starts in the D quadrant (there are 8 overall functions for each type but usually on the first 4 are used because the other four are easily plugged in thereafter. A completed INTJ function list would be Ni, Te, Fi, Se, Ne, Ti, Fe, Si). The thing is, not every type has this "figure 8" pattern. Some run clockwise or counter clockwise and they can start in any quadrant. Introversion/Extroversion doesn't come into play until you start applying the characteristics that belong to each type. In other words: How does it manifest?
The only other type that has the same "thought preference pattern" as an INTJ is the ENTP, but on the surface these two types have very little in common as far as behavior are concerned. Scratch just a little bit deeper though and there are some similarities in how they can generate possibilities and grasp big-picture ideas. Both also have a bit of an obnoxiousness to them in stereotypical descriptions.
What does all of this mean? Right now, I am hesitant to jump to conclusions but these are my thoughts as I continue to review:
1. The "Thought preference pattern" for every single "type" both starts and ends in either the Neocortex (quadrants A/D) or the Limbic system (quadrants B/C). It can't be a coincidence that no "patterns" were left/right aligned. This may be tied directly to how the brain is hard-wired.
2. Order matters, a LOT, when reviewing functions... but HBDI doesn't seem well equipped to handle this fact.
3. Dominance matters, a LOT, but MBTI doesn't seem well equipped to handle this fact. (I have not yet determined how reliable the HBDI "dominance" factor lines up with MBTI primary functions, except to note that my own dominant quadrant (D) does in fact line up with my primary MBTI function of Intuition)
4. Competence seems to be a product of environment, will power and practice... variables that are difficult to measure in a "test" environment. Is this "wild card" factor measurable in some way? What does it do to HBDI/MBTI measurements over time?
5. I want to explore the difference in personality manifestations that compare types that are 'cross functional' against those that run clockwise or counterclockwise.
6. Enneagram works at a very subconscious level. Could there be a correlation in these patterns to enneagram types?
7. I really do think the key is in the J/P dichotomy... but where is it found? It seems to be completely ignored in HBDI. Could this area be a manifestation of the "third brain" or "Reptilian" brain that equates to "fight" or "flight"? In a loose sense, maybe "fight" is the J preference and "flight" is the P preference. Maybe...
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